When The People Around You Don't Get You

A friend pissed me off a few days ago. I didn't talk about it because I'd promised a book recommendation post to y'all, but here we are now.

Let me give you some backstory.

They're from a good family. Nice parents, gross relatives they hate, the works. They can be oversensitive and clingy, but I don't point that out. No one does. All of us call each other out on our shit, but never them. And yes, they're one of the "don't think like that, be positive" kind of people. 

How does one make them understand that we don't control our own thoughts, no one does. We're barely a passenger on our train of thought, let alone the driver of it.

And when they act like a clingy idiot, everyone laughs it off and they get their attention. But when I ask for the same attention, they're either too busy or I'm the bad guy for wanting it. So, life is good.

My best friend tried to make it about herself when I told her I was suicidal. "So, you don't want your life, your cousins and your friends? And not even me, I guess?" 

"Don't make it about you. It's not about you," I said.

I try to forgive her when she does things like these. She's from another nice family. They have dinner together every night, on the same honest-to-God dining table, and from what she tells me, she likes it and enjoys it. Her mother is supportive of what she wants to do. Her father is a cool guy. Her brother is annoying as hell, but what can you expect? All little brothers are annoying as hell. 

She likes to gossip about the other girls in our building. She's a high schooler, it's understandable, but so am I, and I'm not interested in that. Go live your life, I say. Do what you want as long as I don't get dragged into the middle of it. 

She wants to "fix" my relationship with my mother. Don't you hate people like that? Who try to "fix" you even when you don't want or need fixing? Or when fixing isn't even possible because the shards are strewn all over the globe?

I'm like,

 A. It's unsalvagable

B. I don't need it fixed because it's not something that needs fixing. Even though it sucks a whole lot, I don't really care anymore

C. It ain't broken. Doesn't need fixing.

I told her various stories about how my mother has given me self esteem and anxiety and trust issues. She still tried to protect her and I was about to blast my lid onto her ignorant little head who thinks every family is kind and loving like hers. 

Mother thinks my bestie is mature he and I'm immature because she has social skills and a will and capability for talking to people whom she meets, while I do not. 

While she may have the skills to be a perfect housewife someday, she isn't mature, because she doesn't have an iota of empathy and her own sense of right or wrong or even her own damn thoughts, everything she thinks or feels is something that she's done other people do or say, while she's overly assertive and rude while we play group sports, and she acts like this when it comes to other shit. 

She's like, "So you don't want your mother's love or a good relationship with her."

Internally, I'm like WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION WAS ABOUT?!

But I told her a book insert worthy speech about wanting and needing something which, when summed up, means no ❤️

Although I understand it, her childishness and immaturity and toxic optimism and blind worship of parents, it's getting harder and harder to tolerate it. I'm beginning to think that it's becoming harder and harder to tolerate her highschoolishness because I'm not like that.

I don't think it's smart to constantly hope, especially when history has proven it's just detrimental to you. 

I don't think it's right to try and save your relationship with someone whose actions made you grow up so much that you can't enjoy normal, high school things like other people your age. 

I don't think it's right to forgive someone's mistakes simply because they gave birth to you, because that wasn't your choice. Your parents wanted a child, so they had a child. You weren't involved or even consulted when they made that decision. 

You don't have to do anything. You don't have to forgive anyone. You don't owe anyone, anything. 

You are a human being with your own feelings and emotions. If they don't respect them, that's their fault. And you don't owe them anything. You can feel what you wanna feel. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about what you feel. You didn't choose to feel like that, because if all of us were able to choose what we felt like about stuff, the antidepressant making companies would go bankrupt.